I hate it all. the whole situation that is around me.
I lost my grand dad. I always knew that this day would come and that thought always brought tears to my eyes, but then I never really thought that it would happen. But Nov 2, it did. He was gone. Everything was just stopped. I could hear him say, "Study from you notes, teachers jeta notes daye ota theke podo !" (read whatever the teacher gives) And now that it has actually happened, i don't know how to cope with it. Being in hostel helps. It makes me forget about things which I can't help. Yes, it definitely does.
Today was his last rites.And then a memorial, my mother has asked me to write something for him. That I have trying to do for the past 3 years. Yes! That's how prepared I was. But I could never come up with something to write about, I mean I had things to write about but then they never took form of a complete piece. And when, mother asked me to do it, I freaked out and simply refused. That was the day when I achieved a new low in my own eyes, a low which i can't go back from.
So, today, my mom called from the memorial and I heard some people say certain things, and I just could not hear it, so after 5 mins I disconnected. I could not do it. The guilt, the remorse, it all created this ugly blob in my head which only sucked on my ability to do anything.
I loved my Dadubhai very much, and the day I heard about this tragic news, I could not even believe it was true. I is hard to, impossible to imagine that the next time I am in Kolkata, he won't be there. I won't anyone say "Kinkini ke dao aaro! Oor jonne'e toh anlam mach!" (Give Kinkini more, I got the fish exclusively for her). I won't hear him say, "Chamotkar!" I won't talk to him, every time I call.
My family is not that emotional, o maybe they are, I don't know. But I have been told again And again, "Don't be a sentimental fool.." "There is no need to be emotional." So, its a good thing that I am alone in this room with no one to judge me, and tell me how i should mourn for my Dadu.
He is gone and there is nothing I can do, even though people pretend that they were prepared for this to happen, they were not! How can you be? I don't understand.
But My grandfather was also not the emotional type, and he would have probably not to see me act like this. But since I have had quite a record disappointing everyone, I will go ahead and cry and be depressed because that's how I react.
I pray to the God above, that Dadubhai is at peace and his soul is rested.
I will always love and respect him and remember him for the great, strong which he was. The reverence I hold for him will only grow as the years will pass.
I lost my grand dad. I always knew that this day would come and that thought always brought tears to my eyes, but then I never really thought that it would happen. But Nov 2, it did. He was gone. Everything was just stopped. I could hear him say, "Study from you notes, teachers jeta notes daye ota theke podo !" (read whatever the teacher gives) And now that it has actually happened, i don't know how to cope with it. Being in hostel helps. It makes me forget about things which I can't help. Yes, it definitely does.
Today was his last rites.And then a memorial, my mother has asked me to write something for him. That I have trying to do for the past 3 years. Yes! That's how prepared I was. But I could never come up with something to write about, I mean I had things to write about but then they never took form of a complete piece. And when, mother asked me to do it, I freaked out and simply refused. That was the day when I achieved a new low in my own eyes, a low which i can't go back from.
So, today, my mom called from the memorial and I heard some people say certain things, and I just could not hear it, so after 5 mins I disconnected. I could not do it. The guilt, the remorse, it all created this ugly blob in my head which only sucked on my ability to do anything.
I loved my Dadubhai very much, and the day I heard about this tragic news, I could not even believe it was true. I is hard to, impossible to imagine that the next time I am in Kolkata, he won't be there. I won't anyone say "Kinkini ke dao aaro! Oor jonne'e toh anlam mach!" (Give Kinkini more, I got the fish exclusively for her). I won't hear him say, "Chamotkar!" I won't talk to him, every time I call.
My family is not that emotional, o maybe they are, I don't know. But I have been told again And again, "Don't be a sentimental fool.." "There is no need to be emotional." So, its a good thing that I am alone in this room with no one to judge me, and tell me how i should mourn for my Dadu.
He is gone and there is nothing I can do, even though people pretend that they were prepared for this to happen, they were not! How can you be? I don't understand.
But My grandfather was also not the emotional type, and he would have probably not to see me act like this. But since I have had quite a record disappointing everyone, I will go ahead and cry and be depressed because that's how I react.
I pray to the God above, that Dadubhai is at peace and his soul is rested.
I will always love and respect him and remember him for the great, strong which he was. The reverence I hold for him will only grow as the years will pass.
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